by Donna Swagerty Shreve
My oldest son was a senior in high school. He could not drive as he didn’t have a license. We were punishing him for his subpar grades. That brilliant consequence meant he was always getting rides to school with his friends instead of taking the school bus. Somehow during this time he had met a girl from Delta College who had a car of her own. I am guessing they met during rehearsals for a play at Delta or Stockton Civic Theatre.
Aaron was now able to impress his friends because a college girlfriend would pick him up in the Tokay High School parking lot after school quite regularly. She then drove him out to her farm house in Farmington where no one was home. Aaron would then return to our home with a big smile on his face. I usually got home after Aaron but I was aware of Aaron spending a lot of time with this new girlfriend.
One evening I decided to invite Aaron out to the hot tub we had in the backyard. The hot tub can sometimes work as a truth serum and I had some questions. I couldn’t be so direct so I just said, “I certainly hope you are using protection.”
“How did you know?”
I didn’t exactly but I certainly did now. I then told him he had three choices: I would give him the money and he could buy the condoms, I could buy them for him, or we could buy them together. He quickly chose the first option. First step completed but I was not done yet. It turns out his girlfriend thought she was allergic to latex. I remained calm and replied that I had never heard of that before. Could I ask my doctor as I had an appointment the next week? I asked what if anything they were using for protection. He replied they used a French method also known as foam. Hopefully I hid my dismay.
The next time it was reasonable I asked if he knew about Planned Parenthood. I then got him the number and address, which happened to be near where we lived. I suggested that they go to the facility and get her some birth control pills. Next I asked if he had an appointment yet at facility. Now it turns out she didn’t want a pelvic examination. I brought up the fact that during pregnancy there are many pelvic exams. Finally they had an appointment and she was now taking the pill.
My next conversation was me, suggesting that he still use the condoms. He was insulted and asked if I was implying that she might try to trick him. (YES!) I responded that I would think he would prefer to be in control of his own future instead of handing it over to someone else. It was just something for him to consider. It turned out she had become pregnant by her previous boyfriend and had had an abortion to solve her dilemma. After she and Aaron finally broke up, his idea, she quickly married and had several kids.
After high school the same son had messed up his grades enough where his best option was to attend San Joaquin Delta College and then transfer if he could. I offered my opinion that Delta was a glorified high school. I then made it clear that we would only support him there for two years. He was hanging out with several friends who were on their third and fourth year at Delta. He also had a part time job at McDonalds where several classmates were considering staying on at McDonalds and becoming store managers. Aaron knew this was not a future he wanted.
Aaron finally applied himself and earned great grades. He now had many choices for his last two years of college. During his first two years Aaron told me he was going to a party in town and would not be home until the next morning. I replied that I did not understand why he would stay overnight when he lived right in town. He then informed me that he planned on drinking and would not be driving. I was impressed with his honesty and choosing not to drive. We finally had let him get his driving license. His generation was much smarter than mine was when it came to driving and drinking. One of the reasons I so wanted him to go to a four year college was so he would be out of town and I would not be so aware of his experimenting and growing up. Sometimes that is best done away from parents’ observations.
Aaron was now graduating from University of California at Santa Cruz. John, Brad, plus John’s mother and I were traveling to Santa Cruz to watch the ceremony and celebrate some of it with him. I received a phone call from Aaron a few days before the ceremony. “ Mom do I have to shave off my beard and cut my hair?”
“That is your decision, Aaron. You are 21 after all. What do you want to look like in your graduation pictures?” A day later Aaron called and asked John to bring his hair cutting tools just in case. We also did not know what Aaron would wear to his graduation ceremony. A formal graduation cap and gown was optional.
The night before the 11:00 a.m., ceremony, we had dinner reservations at a nice restaurant for the five of us. Aaron’s Grandmother Shreve was there for his big event. Aaron showed up with a healthy full beard and long hair almost to his shoulders. After dinner he asked his father to give him a haircut. After the haircut he and his beard left to join a party somewhere off campus. What would he look like the next morning?
We arrived a bit early to ensure a good seat. Some of us checked his ground level room to see if he was there getting ready. There was no sign of him and it was obvious no one had spent the night in that bed. The parade of graduates began. It was as if there had been a contest to see who could be the most outrageous in what they wore. We thought the winner was the hippie girl who was outlandish from her flowing filmy robe to the raffia in her hair. She came in second after we saw the juggler in a jester’s outfit riding very skillfully on a unicycle. This ceremony was such a contrast to the previous high school of his younger brother. The high school graduates were literally patted down to insure they all complied with the rules needed to attend the graduation ceremony.
Then we saw Aaron. He was wearing a cap and gown and was recently clean-shaven. He chose to be traditional. All of the possible pictures were taken.
Did I do it right with Aaron? I don’t know if I can stand back and see my parenting clearly but I do feel both of my sons have grown up into good human beings who are contributing to society. They also seem to really love me. That is answer enough for me.
1219 words
8/3/16
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