I had a complicated relationship with my mother. By all outward appearances, she was a perfect loving mother. However, there was something missing. I have no complaints about how I was raised or for the experiences I had growing up. I was taught to be responsible for myself and my actions, to be honest, and to work hard and strive for excellence. As a young child, I thought everything was normal. I never really thought about our family relationships. They were just what they were. As I got older, I started to rebel against my mother’s controlling ways. By the end of high school, I was having major conflicts with her. My dad recognized that things might not go well if I stayed home after high school and attended the local junior college. I was all set to play water polo for a former Olympic coach. My dad convinced me to take a trip to look at a couple of colleges that had been recruiting me for their swim teams. I ended up attending Southern Oregon College in Ashland, Oregon and avoided a year of conflict with my mother.
My mom still tried to control me from a distance, and our conflicts only worsened. It came to a head with my marriage and the birth of our first child. I was finally able to come to terms with my mom many years later in the last years of her life. I give this as background for what I admire most about my mom.
I admire that she really didn’t have a role model on how to be a good mother. Her own mother left her when she was six. For many years she felt that she wasn’t good enough for her mother, and she resented her father for driving her away. She found out in her later years that her mother left because she married a much older man when she was much too young. Her father fought to keep his children from his wife’s mother, which my mother only discovered before her dementia set in. She had all of these strikes against her, and she left home at 17 to set out and have a “successful” life. She found true love in my father, raised four children, and had a proper set of friends. I am really grateful for the experiences my parents provided me. I only remember my mom not wanting me to join the ice hockey team, because it was across town and she wasn’t convinced of my strong desire to play. Otherwise, she in the most part, said yes to joining Cub Scouts, or whatever the flier from school was promoting. My mom was the one who would drive us to all of our activities. I played baseball and flag football. I was on local and AAU swim teams. I was a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout. Mom was a Cub Scout leader. They bought us a piano, although they didn’t play and could only afford lessons for one of us. We all learned a musical instrument and played in the school band. I also got a gift one Christmas of a monthly science kit for a year. That was a great present, as it caught my attention and taught me the major science skills. I also put together a crystal radio set. My dad helped me string a wire across the roof for its antennae. I really had a varied and extensive exposure to the wonders of the world.
Although my mom only had housekeepers and magazines to teach her how to be a mom, she was an eager learner and provided us children with a good set of tools to succeed. I think what I missed from my mom was having someone who would love me no matter what. Mom always had strings attached to her love. You had to play her game in order to do well with her, but I was provided with great experiences growing up. I can’t complain about how I turned out. Luckily, I had my dad’s mom who would love me for who I was. I am glad to have learned unconditional love from my grandma, but my mother provided me with the tools to have a successful life.
Swagerty-Aldrich Family Web Site 