by Donna Swagerty Shreve
Dad’s Wisdom
We had so much in common. We both played clarinet and had met in a county honor band. We shared the same clarinet teacher for private lessons. He was a swimmer at his high school and I was on a swim team that practiced after and before school. Girls did not get a swim team in high school. We even had had the same swim coach for a bit. We both came from large loving families. He was easy going, smart, and so much fun to be with. We had so many variety of activities that we both enjoyed. I liked his friends as he was surrounded by good people.
Tragically he was shorter than I was. My mother had made such an emphasis on a man’s height. As I was taller than most of my male classmates, I let that criteria matter. He came from a different religion but I am not sure that was really a factor. The real problem was that he was a much nicer person than I was. I didn’t like myself when I was around him. He was so understanding when I was forgetful or late for a date. These were things I rarely did. I also introduced him to my parents by a wrong name. I cringe when I remember how I acted.
While both of us were in college, he invited me to spend a weekend with him up in Utah. I would stay with one of his sisters and meet his friends. Activities were planned where I could see what his college was like. I went to each of my parents to ask permission.
Dad, He has invited me to visit him at the University of Utah for a weekend. He is paying for my flight and I can stay with his sister.
What did Mom say when you asked her?
She wouldn’t even listen to me. She just said, “Absolutely not!”
Do you plan on marrying him?
What?!!!
It isn’t fair to him to go to all of that expense just for a weekend of fun without a commitment. If you have no intension of marrying him, then you are taking advantage and I don’t think you are that kind of a person.
Well, I guess I have some real thinking to do.
I turned down his offer of a fun weekend and a few months later he drove back from Utah (18 hours) for a whirlwind weekend with me. We had a fantastic time in San Francisco and before we headed back to Stockton, he proposed.
I was stunned though I should have expected it. It was one of the longest rides home I have ever endured. I felt I had to be honest yet I hated hurting him as I really cared for him. There was no way I couldn’t do one without the other. My reply was, “I am so sorry ______ but I have to refuse. You are everything a person should love for a lifetime mate, You have so many worthy and special qualities but I haven’t been hit over the head yet.”
This took place in spring and by the end of that summer I was engaged to my future husband. I lifeguarded that summer to earn all I could to help start our marriage and pay off my college bills. I had taken a rare day off to drive John to the bus station where he was taking a bus to El Paso where he was going to live with his parents and attend University of Texas at El Paso. He came back after one semester to University of the Pacific.
Unknown to me _________ had driven from his town to my lifeguarding job to surprise me. A colleague at the pool informed him that I had taken the day off to drive my fiancee to the bus station. Now _______ was driving up to the front of my parents’ home. We had a large picture window in our front living room where we could see our version of the world. My youngest brother saw him first and quickly left the room as did my parents.
I answered the door and welcomed him inside. I hid my left hand behind my back. We made small talk and then he said he couldn’t torture me any longer. He knew I was engaged and congratulated me. He had wanted to take me out somewhere but instead we chatted at my home. We had previously made a small bet of $5 of which of us would get married first. I can’t remember the wording of the bet but he handed me $5 and wished me well. He was a class act to the end.
Again I look back on how my father handled my dilemma when I needed to make a big decision. He reminded me of what kind of a person he thought I was. He also wanted me to be honest about my true feelings.
820 words
9/15/2026
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