Story by Donna Swagerty Shreve
There have been several times through out the years where I thought it was very important, as a parent, to push my child through a difficult choice. The first example that comes to mind was when Brad had developed a bad stammer. He ended up in speech therapy for almost two years as a first and second grader and his graduation consisted of going to McDonalds and ordering in slow talk. He was mortified but willing to do it so he would no longer go to speech class.
Later after his therapy ended, we went to McDonalds for a quick lunch. When Brad picked up our order, he realized his order was missing French fries. He expected me to go up and take care of it but I said I would stand near him within eyesight but he was taking care of this problem, as I knew he could. Granted the server could see me in the background but Brad did take care of the mistake and received his French fries. I am convinced it helped to build his confidence in taking care of himself.
When Brad was in middle school there were two incidents that stand out as character building. One weekend morning I was outside greeting a new neighbor who had moved into a house across the street from us. After I introduced myself, he complained that he had not received a good neighborly welcome. He had moved to our neighborhood as he thought he was in a safer part of Stockton compared to his previous neighborhood. Someone had pushed peanut butter into every lock of his car that was parked on the street in front of his house. To add insult to this injury there were at least a dozen empty Pepsi cans thrown under his car. I was truly surprised and said I would ask around in case we could solve the mystery. I tried to assure him this was not a typical occurrence in our neighborhood.
I went home and shared his story with the family at our next meal. Brad looked a bit chagrinned and I started my questions, as he had attended an overnight slumber party down the street the previous day with a bunch of middle school age boys. Yes, they had drunk Pepsi at the party. Could he connect the peanut butter to the party? It seems Linda, the mother in charge, had set peanut butter out to use for giving their sick dog his pills. Brad swore that he had stayed back with another kid while the other boys went out in the neighborhood. I then informed Brad I was going to have a chat with Linda. Brad was horrified. There is nothing worse than a snitch.
I felt I had a non-threatening angle to use and would not use his name in any way. I then headed down to Linda’s. I told Linda about our new neighbor. It was convenient that she was our neighborhood watch captain. I was hoping we could be more aware of any possible problems in the neighborhood. At some point Linda looked me straight in the eye and said, “Thank you.” I replied that if she were ever in a similar position that I would hope she would return the favor. When I returned home Brad was relieved that he was not given away as a snitch and life would return to normal.
When Brad was in eighth grade he decided he wanted formal religion. He had had a neighborhood babysitter that was more than willing to take him to her Baptist church. She provided the transportation and she had a son a year older that Brad who also attended the services. Brad attended for several months and enjoyed the youth group, which had so many fun activities. Then Brad wanted to be baptized and now had to commit to special classes before his baptism.
The day had arrived for Brad’s baptism ceremony and the entire family was there to support Brad. The baptism was part of the regular Sunday service and, of course his babysitter Linda (different Linda from previous neighbor) was there with her son and husband. Brad was dunked in a special pool at the altar. He had brought a change of clothes and we met after the service so Linda could take a bunch of pictures.
Brad was now a full fledge member and a regular attendee. This lasted almost a year and then Brad no longer wanted to attend. I was curious why he had changed his mind after all of his effort. He put the blame on the youth director. I was surprised but accepted his decision. Linda was horrified and went to the youth minister to find out why Brad was now disenchanted. Now I was receiving a phone call from the youth minister as he was quite concerned. He wanted to come over to our home and chat with Brad. If I was going to be at home it could have happened. However, I had a previous engagement and told him I was uncomfortable with him coming over to our home with me not there. It was left at that and Brad no longer attended church.
A few years later, I was taking a weeklong course for teachers called Project Adventure. A group of us were gathered at a special course at Tokay High School in Lodi. We did a variety of trust and group building exercises to help us learn to bond and work better together. The activities lead up to the more difficult activities that were impossible unless you truly worked closely with a partner or as a tightly knit group. The culmination was climbing up a telephone pole, standing on top of the pole and then jumping toward a hanging bar. Of course, each participant was tethered securely and the other end of the safety rope was held by our highly trained leader. I went first as I wanted to get it over with. The other members in our group decided I was quite brave or crazy.
After my feat, my brain started to connect our leader’s name and occupation to Brad’s youth leader several years ago. I asked him if he worked at the Baptist church. His reply was he wondered if I would ever make the connection. Brad and I needed to talk!
I told Brad I had finally made the connection to his former youth pastor and the current Project Adventure leader. Brad had the grace to look a bit embarrassed when I asked him again why he had quit going to church. Brad’s leaving the church had nothing to do with the youth leader. Brad has just never been able to believe all that he thought he was suppose to and quit instead of working out his real doubts and beliefs. I felt it was time for Brad to apologize to the youth leader and I knew right where that guy would be the next day.
I arranged for Brad to have access to a car and he met me the next day at Tokay High School after his school let out. I told the youth leader that Brad would be coming and needed to talk to him. When Brad arrived, I reintroduced the two of them and then left them alone. Brad waved to me as he left and I knew we could discuss their conversation later. After our Project Adventure session, the youth pastor came to me and thanked me for giving him a chance to talk to Brad as the incident needed some closure.
One last incident occurred when Brad was at Lincoln High School. Brad was part of the Chamber Choir, which was by audition. Gary, the choir director, stressed a feeling of a close-knit group. Brad shared with me that a certain student named Chris was receiving horrible teasing by another choir member. The bully was ruthless with his attacks and Brad had told the guy off once only to be the receiver of the taunts for his efforts. Brad was starting to worry about Chris’s self esteem and mental health.
I told Brad I was proud of him for sticking up for Chris but I thought Gary should be involved. Brad could tell Gary his concerns or I would. Brad said he would so I let it go for a bit but asked for updates. There was a parent meeting coming up for a fundraiser. The Chamber Choir was going to Hawaii and needed fund raising help. Knowing Brad had not gotten around to talking to Gary, I asked Gary if Brad and I could talk with him after the meeting.
After the meeting Gary, Brad and I went into Gary’s office and Gary closed the doors as there were parents and students milling around after the meeting. I asked Brad if he wanted to tell Gary or was I? Brad said he would tell his concerns. He then told Gary in very straight forward manner why he was so concerned about Chris. The bully had been quite graphic about supposed activities of Chris. The bully was trying to out Chris as gay. Gary was almost slacked jawed as he said he never could have said those things in front of his mother. Then Gary became quite angry at what the bully had been up to. Gary promised that Chris would not have to worry about the bully as Gary would make it very clear the torment would end. Gary also praised Brad for his courage in trying to help Chris.
The aftermath was interesting as the bully was mad at Gary for calling him out. He went in when Gary was not near his office and stole Gary’s car and house keys. The kid then drove Gary’s car to Gary’s house and helped himself to items in Gary’s house. The bully was soon caught and kicked out of school.
Brad became a resident assistant at college and had many occasions to work through hard decisions for himself and residents in his section. To this day Brad will not shy away from issues that need discussion or action. I would like to think I was part of that.
Swagerty-Aldrich Family Web Site 