Part 1
It was 1984 at the Sacramento Airport and I was being escorted out of the terminal with my mother to the sheriff’s office. They had found a gun in my mother’s purse. I had never before seen my mother in this light, acting so frightened. She was always the strong in-charge mother and we did what she told us to do without many questions knowing we would get into more trouble if we didn’t. Now she was not in charge of anything.
My mother was born October 4, 1919 to Jesse Boone and Virgina Brown. Jessie was 44 years old and had been married for over 20 years to Maggie Longfellow. He divorced Maggie and five weeks later eloped with 18 year old Virginia Brown. They went to Salt Lake City, Utah from Boise, Idaho. Maggie divorced Jesse for being unfaithful and part of the divorce agreement was Maggie (Margaret) getting half of Jesse’s property plus money, which was unusual in those days. I am guessing Jesse was quite anxious to marry a cute young thing and willing to do whatever to cut loose from Maggie. Maggie and Jesse had never been able to have children and I wonder if that was part of the estrangement. Of interest to me, was their marriage certificate. It listed Jesse as 39, instead of 44, and Virginia as 22, instead of 18. This was not the last time Jesse lied on an official document.
Jesse borrowed money from a local undertaker, Clyde Summers, in Boise and bought a dairy farm he named the Early Dawn Dairy. I have a photo of the dairy that shows the main house, creamery and barn. Virginia is standing by the house and Jesse is standing between the barn and creamery. There was a set of tracks that ran in front of the property where milk could be transported into town. According to the 1920 census there were several workers who lived on the property to run the dairy. The workers included Virginia’s father and mother plus her sister Nola and her husband plus their son Roy. There were a few other non-family members. Jesse had quite a pay roll on this dairy operation.
Jesse started out with horses that were well trained to stop the milk wagon at the end of the block while deliveries were made to the various customers. Jesse then switched to trucks just before a small crash of the market in 1924. Jesse had borrowed money for the trucks and when the bank wanted its money, Jesse lost the farm as he had over extended. Ironically, he was short the same amount of money he had used to settle his divorce with Maggie.
Mom’s memories from this period of her life were her grandfather, Jesse Brown, tickling her with his big bushy mustache. She also remembers the big house being cleaned and then cleared for a big party. The dining room was cleared of furniture and rugs for dancing. I don’t know what the source of music was but Mom very fondly remembered their player piano that had several discs with a variety of songs.
At one party, Mom remembers being put to bed upstairs before the party started. She snuck down the stairs to take a peak and hopefully, catch her father’s eye. He did see her and picked her up and danced holding her in his arms as he danced with some guest. Her mother was disapproving. Mom had mentioned several incidents where she got her way with her father throughout her childhood. “I was not spoiled, and what was wrong with that.” This is a quote from after Dad died but it seemed to fit here also.
After six years of marriage, Virginia had had enough. Jesse, her husband, had paid for her to go to Portland in 1924 and train as a beautician. While in Portland, it seems Virginia spread her wings a bit. During this time two letters were produced that enabled Jesse to divorce Virginia. One letter was a love letter to her lover. The other letter was from Virginia to a friend. Virginia stated that Jesse was a very good man but emphasized that she was only young once. The twenty-six year age difference made a difference. I am guessing Virginia supplied Jesse with the incriminating evidence so Jesse could divorce her and set her free.
Years later Melva, her daughter, was shown a picture of Ronnie, her brother and herself at age 4 and six. It was a studio picture taken just as Virginia left them. We saw this picture while visiting newly found relatives in the Boise area when Mom was 81. Mom looked up to me, as she is seeing the picture for the first time, and asked, “How could she leave us?” I ask the same question.
Jesse had now lost his dream farm and wife. He had taken what little money he had left and bought a lunch counter in Boise. He was working as a short order cook and owner of a small fast food style diner he named the Filling Station. Jesse would build up the business enough to sell for a profit. He would then take his two kids and move to the next town. Each time he had a bit more of a profit. Jesse’s goal was to save enough money to buy some land again.
I finally had Mom give me a timeline of her childhood. Mom had mentioned that she never felt at ease inviting any friends over to her place. She lived in a small apartment type of dwelling behind the lunch counter. She was also always the “new kid” and if she did make a friend she was soon moving to another town. She and her brother became each other’s playmates and best friends. When it came time to buy clothes, Mom was sent with a waitress or one of the 16 housekeepers Jesse hired over the years. Mom became very observant of styles and how to fit in. She would just show up at the latest school with Ronnie in tow. She never remembers her father coming with her. Her father did not attend any school activities and Mom learned to be quite independent.
She went to four different first grades in Vancouver BC, Eugene, Oregon and Portland, Oregon. In Tacoma, Washington she attended second grade and part of third grade. In Seattle, Washington her father had a succession of three different lunch counters. One of the lunch counters was in Ballard, Washington near the docks. Towards the end of fourth grade they moved to Oroville, California.
While in Seattle, Mom decided she wanted to learn to swim. So she got on the bus and went to the local YMCA and signed herself up for lessons. Usually Ronnie was tagging along. On one occasion Mom was annoyed and tried to ditch Ronnie. He dashed out into the street to catch up and got run over by a car. The tire tracks left an impression on his mid section that Ronnie had for the rest of his life.
During this time Ronnie and Mom would enter the weekly talent show at the local movie theatre. She proudly mentioned that they usually won and were each given a bag of groceries. Her father appreciated the extra food. Mom had saved this tidbit from her past until she was in her 70s. I was so in shock. I asked her what was their talent. She calmly said they usually did a song and dance. Now I was really surprised.
“How did you know how to sing and dance?”
“Oh we spent all day Saturday at the movie theatre watching whatever was playing. We would then come home and practice”
“Did your father help you?”
“Oh no, he just watched our dress rehearsal.”
Mom always seemed to have another surprise for me throughout her life.
In Vancouver in 1925 when she was six, Mom remembers her parents getting back together and remarrying. Before the year was over, her mother left again. Before the second attempt at marriage failed, Mom remembers her mother having a black eye. Mom had always blamed her father for the breakup and it wasn’t until I produced the divorce papers years later that she realized another view. At one time Mom said her mother might have left because Mom wasn’t pretty enough. Here was my mother speaking with a six year old voice. Mom always seemed to apologize for her looks. She felt she had married a much better looking person in my father.
Towards the end of fourth grade the family of three moved to Oroville where Mom found herself behind the other students. She was promoted to fifth grade on probation. In fifth grade Mom had the good fortune to have a Miss Clendennin who worked with her and caught her up. When I was in fifth grade at Lincoln Elementary School in Stockton, Mom met a classmate from Oroville who had a son in my class. Mom was so excited to see her again. It was such a rare treat for Mom to have someone who knew her as a child. I remember being surprised at Mom’s reaction to reuniting with a long lost friend.
During this time in Oroville, Melva related another story from her childhood. She was a lead in some school play and part of the action was her co-star was to carry her across the stage. During one of the performances, her partner dropped her and they had to quickly improvise to cover the mistake. There is Melva the performer again! Also Mom admitted a scheme gone badly during this time. The class was learning about a poem that had the line, “A light, a light.” The teacher read it to them over and over and some in the class were tired of hearing it. Melva organized the class to stand up when the line came up and to point all in the same direction. Everyone seemed quite excited about this plot. The time came and Mom stood up and yelled the line all by herself. Everyone else had chickened out. There was stunned silence as the teacher gasped and then she said she was so surprised and disappointed. Mom got sent to the principal, the only occurrence for Mom. When Mom told me this tale I was shocked that my “Miss Goody Two Shoes” mother had ever willfully done something so out of character and publically naughty.
Twice during her childhood Mom got a visit from her mother Virginia who had traveled down from Canada. Once was when Mom was eleven, 1930 and another visit was when she was fourteen, 1933. Unfortunately Virginia was not there to see her children. She wanted Jesse to sign the divorce papers from their second marriage so she could marry another man she met in Canada. According to Mom, Jesse was demanding she spend the night with him before he signed. Virginia ended up staying the night at the neighbors so Jesse would leave her alone. This is Mom’s version and it is difficult for me to figure out what really happened. The 1930 census had Jesse saying he is still married and with Virginia still living in the house. Virginia had now been in Canada for six years.
When Mom was in seventh grade, 1931 or 1932, Jesse was approached by the California Lands Incorporation to manage a ranch with 400 acres of alfalfa, 30 acres of prunes, 10 acres of a vineyard, 400 to 500 sheep, 2 teams of horses, and lots of pets including dogs, cats and chickens. They remained here until Mom was in 10th grade. One spring the kids had made a pet out of one of the lambs. It was quite a sad scene when the now rather large lamb was loaded into the trailer with the other spring lambs for market. Mom tried all of her tricks but the lamb went on with the others. When we were growing up, Mom rarely cooked lamb or mutton. She had had her fill of mutton as a child on that ranch.
Jesse kept all of his savings in canning jars under the house. He had bad feelings about banks. I am guessing it went back to losing that dairy in the Boise area. Jesse had shot a pheasant out of season and was cooking it for dinner. He left the bird cooking in the oven and left the house. Something went wrong and fire started that took down the house. Mom remembers coming home from school and seeing her father on his knees crying in front of rubble. All of those years of saving for his ranch were gone up in smoke. The story goes that Jesse was just months from buying the ranch outright.
They then moved to Chico and had a lunch counter across the street from a city park. Mr. Barceloux contacted Jesse from the bank that ran Cal Lands Inc. Mr. Barceloux had heard about Jesse from his brother who had set up Jesse in the Orland ranch. So the family moved to Middletown and had an even bigger farm than before. They had many acres plus 2 riding horses. One was a big Percheron named Duke.
Mom enjoyed taking a hackamore with a carrot and catching her horse and taking a ride up into the hills. On one such ride Ronnie and Mom had stopped their horses and they were finding a place to rest and eat their lunch. It was then they heard the sound of a rattler. Ronnie left to get help and Mom stayed there throwing rocks at the snake. By the time help arrived, all they saw was a huge pile of rocks. Mom had made sure that snake would not be a problem.
Years later I would take Mom to visit her step brother Ernie, son of Leota, who gave us quite a tour of this part of Mom’s childhood. We visited this ranch and even talked to the owners who were descendants of the people Jesse had worked for all those years ago. This is a separate story in itself.
They lived in Middletown during Mom’s tenth grade through half of her senior year. Jesse had been paid by the school district because Mom had been driving several neighbors plus Ronnie and herself to school since she was 13 years of age.
Mom’s senior year in high school ended up being quite eventful. Mom had actually been at this place long enough to make friends and was the student body president. Leota was their sixteenth housekeeper and had moved in. Now she had sent for her two children Wanda and Ernie who were a bit younger than Mom and Ronnie. Leota had escaped a very abusive marriage and had hidden her children with her sisters until she was established in California. Leota had proven to be a hard worker and Jesse did not object to the addition of her children. Leota was also sharing Jesse’s bed according to Mom. Jesse had lured many of the previous housekeepers into his bed.
Leota came from a very different background without some of the niceties of proper manners that had been taught to Mom and Ronnie. Leota was also a fan of country and western music. The scene is now set for Mom’s ultimatum. Melva came into her bedroom to find Leota cleaning her room. (My mother always made us clean our own rooms!) Leota had turned on Mom’s radio to a station playing country music. Melva became incensed that Leota was using her radio and playing such awful music. She went to Jesse and demanded that Leota be fired. Melva had done this in the past and gotten her way.
As I commented to Mom when I heard this story, Jesse had the choice of a teenage girl, seventeen years old who was about to leave the home for college or Leota who was thirty four years younger than Jesse and willing to take care of him. Now Jesse was 63 years old. Mom threatened leaving and Jesse said, “Goodbye!” Mom then packed and found a ride to Los Angeles where she had been offered a bed at a cousin’s home if she ever needed it. Mom spent the second half of her senior year on her cousin’s sofa and attended Monte Bella High School where she was swallowed up by a huge student body. I read her 1936 high school senior yearbook where one of her cousin’s sons said he wished she had come sooner because then she might have had a better time.
Melva came back to Northern California and worked the summer at the Hoberg’s resort. It was a resort where there were many activities for all ages. Melva’s favorite activities were the dances in the evenings on a huge outdoor dance floor. Melva waited on tables for a set group of families for a week. She saved up her money to attend college. Some of the other workers that summer talked her into applying to the then College of the Pacific instead of University of California at Berkeley. She was ready to start when her father talked her into lending him her summer’s savings as he was trying to start another lunch counter. She did lend him the money. She went to work as a nanny and housekeeper for a rich family she had met at Hoberg’s. She lasted with this job until March when she decided to visit her mother in Canada.
Her mother was very pleasant but after two or three months Mom realized they had little in common and there was no future for her in Canada. Virginia, her mother, never said anything bad about Jesse even with Mom’s prodding. Mom returned in time to spend the summer at Hoberg’s working for college tuition. Mom now wanted her money back from her father for college tuition. Jesse responded that she didn’t need to go to college and he was unable to pay her back. This hurt Mom as she and her father had discussed college as her future for some time. The split between daughter and father was now huge. Mom remained bitter the rest of Jesse’s life.
Jesse did not plan to come to Mom’s wedding in 1941 as he claimed he did not have proper shoes. My father found out Jesse’s shoe size and borrowed some appropriate shoes from a friend. Jesse attended but Virginia did not. I found years later that the probable reason Jesse did not want to attend was because Mom made it very clear that Leota was not invited. Jesse had married Leota in 1937. I found letters between Melva and Floyd that they wrote to each other during the war. Melva mentioned that she felt really bad that her relationship with her father was so broken but neither of them seemed to know how to mend it.
Melva entered the then College of the Pacific and if she wasn’t in class she was working at various jobs around campus to afford her education. She was asked to be in a sorority but didn’t become a full-fledged member as she couldn’t afford the membership dues. I have one picture of one of her roommates but there is only one other friend from college she kept in contact with after graduation. I only know of two friends Mom kept after her marriage. Tragically both of those friends died in their forties. Mom’s best friend was her husband and that worked until Dad died and Mom had twenty more years to live without him.
Part 2
Never having been in a sheriff’s car before, I was shocked at how little room there was in the back seat. We were driven through a gate in the back of the terminal that required a code. For a few years I could tell you that code as I watched everything very carefully. We were taken to an office where we were separated and Mom was interrogated.. The officer, with me, spent most of his time examining the gun. It was from the Chicago Arms Works which was no longer in business and it turns out the gun was a real prize. I had a feeling that gun went home with that officer. After a half an hour of my mother being questioned, I finally told the officer that my mother was a retired English teacher and credentialed librarian. My father was dying of cancer and obviously my mother was panicking. Mom was given a court date and we were released. I then asked Mom what on earth she was thinking and where did she get the gun.
Finally with enough money saved and several jobs secured on campus, Melva traveled off to the then College of the Pacific. She had a ready-made group of guy friends as she had worked with them at Hoberg’s during the summer. The boys were considered “big men” on campus and they were looking out for Melva. Meanwhile Floyd watched all of this friendship and thought he didn’t have a chance with her.
One of Mom’s campus jobs was working in the Anderson Dining Hall. After the students had been served, Melva stayed and helped with cleanup. Just outside the dining hall was a drinking fountain where Floyd hung out until Melva finally left her job. He would then casually lift his head and say “Hi” as she went towards her dorm. This went on for several days with no more than a dripping “Hi”. Then one Saturday night Mom received a call in her dorm from Floyd. He wanted to take her out right then. Her reply was, “I just washed my hair. I will be right down.”
Their courtship then began and continued for a year. They were married January 30, 1941 by the college president Tully C. Knoles. Floyd and Melva had first met in Lorraine Knoles History of Western Civilization class. Lorraine was the daughter of Tully. It was a very casual wedding with Melva wearing a street length dress and Floyd wore a suit. Their formal wedding picture was taken by a friend. The happy couple moved into their first apartment and got their first cat named Tuffy. Life continued with both of them finishing school and working several jobs. Then Pearl Harbor was attacked and Floyd enlisted along with most of the young men of the time.
Floyd was sent to Notre Dame for midshipman school after his graduation. Melva went with him and found a clerk job stuffing envelopes. She was unable to find any job of substance as she was a Navy wife and could be transferred at any time. Floyd was awarded outstanding midshipman of the 1,800 men in his class. While others were shipped out, he was able to remain and train the new recruits. Two things happened with this award: finally Floyd had clothes that actually fit and he started having a lot more self-confidence.
In the summer of 1945 Floyd was assigned to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific headed for Japan. Melva got on a train five months pregnant and traveled cross-country back to Stockton. She lived with Anne Bradey Arnold who had been one of her housemothers. “Nana” was Melva’s substitute mother who taught her some of the finer aspects of proper behavior. As a child I was dressed up so Nana would approve. I had to act like a proper lady. While staying with Nana, Melva would graduate from college. She went to Napa to stay with her dear friend Andrea who she had met while working at Hobergs. Andrea lived on the family complex called the Shevland Ranch in Napa.
Here at the Shevland Ranch, Melva wanted to earn her way. She learned to garden and how to can. Melva became worth much more than she realized as she was the wife of a Navy officier and had ration cards for meat and gasoline at near-by Mare Island Naval base. In the hospital at this base that Melva gave birth to her first child. I have been informed over the years that Mom had a 36 hour ordeal before I could be coaxed into the world. Mom claims she had bloody elbows as she dug into her bed during labor pains. She refused to scream during labor.
Meanwhile Floyd was docking in San Francisco and had three months left in his enlistment. His commanding officer knew Floyd was close to becoming a father and released him early. Floyd then hitch hiked from San Francisco to Napa in his uniform and surprised Melva in the hospital with his three day-old bearded face and a dozen red roses. Mom claims there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.
That first baby was me and the happy couple brought me home to the ranch in Napa. Soon Floyd and Melva returned to Stockton so Floyd could get his master’s degree at C.O.P. and a job. Floyd was hired by Linden High School. They rented from a local dentist Dr. Stabler in Stockton and the modest home was located way out in the country. I looked up the location recently and it was on Plymouth Road near the intersection of Alpine Road. The busy interstate Highway 5 is now within view.
With a new baby, they needed a washing machine. As the paper came out each day, people would rush to get whatever was for sale. Finally they were able to bring home an old wringer washer. The next vital item was a car. Floyd found a miserable excuse for a car that had to have the windows partly down so the occupants would not be affixiated by the exhaust fumes. The floorboards were loose and a passenger could look down and see the road go by underneath the car. Floyd car-pooled to Linden with two other men and they usually chose to drive rather than ride in Floyd’s death trap.
Finally it was time to move closer to Floyd’s job and the family of three moved to Linden. First they rented two rooms from two single sisters out in the country. I can actually remember parts of that old house and Miss Fine. Miss Fine would tell me stories of when she was a girl and the local Indians would travel through their land. My parents then found an actual house in the town of Linden to rent. While in Linden Melva taught high school English until her pregnancy with her second child, Brian, had her staying home again.
Brian was born in St. Joseph’s hospital and brought home to Linden. During this time Uncle Ronnie, Melva’s brother started living with us off and on for ten years. Floyd started out as the high school teacher of all sports and coach of all teams. He also taught history. I had a mini cheerleader’s outfit and our lives revolved around Floyd’s job and the friends they made in this small town. Dad moved over to Linden Elementary School and became the seventh/eighth grade teacher and school principal. He was soon ready to move on up the ladder of better jobs.
The family of four now settled in Escalon, which is another small farming community in the valley. Now Floyd was the principal/superintendant of Dent Union School District. I started kindergarten and Melva was the full time stay at home mother. During this time the third child came along. This time Melva had to travel to Oakdale to deliver her next daughter, Jane. I remember Dad and Mom talking softly in the kitchen and burping the tiny baby over the sink. They were worried and this child didn’t seem as healthy as the others. This was ironic as Jane became the star athlete of the family winning a bronze medal for the 100 meter backstroke in the 1968 Olympics.
Again the family moved from a country rental into town for a better location. The future looked positive in Escalon enough for Melva and Floyd to put a down payment on a future house that was going to be built right across from the Dent Union school.
Somehow fate intervened and Floyd accepted a better job in the big town of Stockton. The soon to be built house had to be sold and the family bought their first home in Lincoln Village in north Stockton. This time everything had to be done from scratch. The fence had to be built. The yard needed landscaping and the house needed curtains and furniture. Floyd’s mother Pearl, helped Mom make all of the curtains for the new house. It was a busy time for all. By this time the fourth and final addition, Grant arrived in 1954. We were little stair steps. I was 9 followed by Brian at 6 and Jane at 3. Melva had her perfect family, four children, two boys and two girls all three years apart.
Melva stayed home and emulated Donna Reed from a 1950s television show. I can remember her rushing to touch up her lipstick and check her hair before she greeted Dad at the door when he came home from work. Breakfast was served at 6:00 A.M. and dinner was at 6:00 P.M. She made our lunches or we came home for lunch if our neighborhood school was close enough for the lunch hour. I don’t remember this luxury but I do believe my younger siblings got to return home for lunch.
Saturday mornings all four of us had our jobs to do. Mom was quite the taskmaster as was Dad. I remember trading jobs with Grant one weekend. He now had to do the bathtub and help with the toilets. I got to rake leaves and mow the lawn. We soon decided our own jobs were not so bad. We had daily jobs and mine was folding two baskets of laundry every day after school. We only used a bath towel once and our laundry was huge. We were assigned the dinner dishes on a rotating basis. Many of our childhood fights erupted from this chore.
On rare occasions Melva would accept a substitute teaching job. The extra income was needed but we all remember Melva being quite cranky on teaching days. Melva became a Camp Fire Leader for Jane’s group. Melva outdid most every other leader with very creative projects and adventurous camping trips. Melva was also a cub-scout leader for Brian’s troupe. We have home movies of the creative obstacle courses and various other activities that helped the boys earn their badges. Again Melva and Floyd took the boys on camping trips and that always provided humorous family stories afterward. Melva volunteered to keep the record board for the swimming team. During this time Melva also started her first elementary library from scratch at Tully C. Knoles School. Dad once remarked that he felt he needed to be a new book or a swimming record to get Melva’s attention.
Life was busy with weekly swim meets and various other numerous activities that come with a family of four children. Floyd continued to get better jobs with more money but it never seemed to be enough to provide for all of our needs. Finally, Melva decided to return to work. She became the librarian at the then Senior Elementary School. She loved to say that she had a generous library budget because she slept with the Assistant Superintendant, my father, who was in charge of the district budget. She enjoyed being a school librarian and stayed with this job until she retired.
During my freshman year at U.O.P., my parents got an opportunity to move into a much bigger house. During my senior year of high school, I had to sleep on the living room sofa bed as my mattress was so worn and Mom and Dad couldn’t justify the money to replace it as I was leaving home soon. I spent one year and a half on the U.O.P. campus and then moved back to the big house that was just a block from the campus.
I got engaged to a fellow classmate in 1966. Mom and Dad drove me to El Paso, Texas to meet John’s family the day after Christmas. The other three siblings were farmed out for the week we were gone. Mom and I started planning my wedding. There were several times that Dad had to interfere and remind Mom that it was my wedding. Mom’s world changed quickly. I was no sooner out of the house when Brian left for college in Oregon. I was now in Connecticut teaching while John served out his military obligation. The house was now down to two children. Then Grant was killed in a tragic bicycle versus car accident.
I received the call in Connecticut. Mom and Dad had waited until I had finished teaching Friday afternoon. The accident had happened Thursday evening. They didn’t want to interfere with my job! Mom made the call and asked me to get John on the other line. Dad was on their other line. She was so calm during the entire conversation. Unfortunately she remained too calm during all the preparations for the funeral and processing the aftermath. She just couldn’t let herself let go. Dad went through the normal stages of grief but Mom got stuck.
I came home that following summer. Grant had died in March. For the first time ever I witnessed Mom crying several times a day. I was alarmed and finally showed my dismay to her. Dad took me aside and said we all grieve differently and to leave her be. Mom told me later that she was very intent on killing herself for about six years after Grant died. The thing that kept her intact was not being able to figure out how to kill herself without leaving behind her body that Dad would have to identify.
Life did go on. Fortunately for all concerned Floyd and Melva had taken on a foreign exchange student named Sally Crabbe from Australia. She had been with the family for three months before Grant died. They wanted to get another family for her but Sally refused and remained. It was a wonderful gesture on Sally’s part as it forced Melva and Floyd to carry on.
The next big event was Brian getting married and the first grand child soon after. Jane was next to get married and the home never became an empty nest as Sally was followed by other foreign exchange students from a variety of places throughout the world. Mom would receive the Paul Harris award through Rotary for her special efforts in promoting better international understanding. Mom also received two life-time memberships in P.T.A. for her efforts in creating several libraries in Lincoln Unified School District.
Then in 1979 Melva and Floyd retired and started traveling. Mom loved to plan trips and was quite an organized traveler. Dad was happy to drive and let her be the guide. Grandchildren kept arriving and now there were nine in the next generation. Mom was now part of a family of fifteen when we all gathered together. Then Mom made another phone call to me that I never wanted to receive. Dad had cancer.
Floyd fought a four and a half year battle with cancer before finally dying in 1985. During his fight with cancer, Floyd traveled to Connecticut to try an alternative treatment but was told he had waited too long. Floyd’s trip involved the Sacramento airport and revealed how desperate Melva was becoming as she tried to cope with the upcoming loss of her true love. Mom didn’t cry this time. We worried about her and she said she was afraid that if she ever let go and cried that she would never be able to stop. She shut down for about a year. It was as if she had painted her windows black.
Part 3
A local policeman gave that gun to Dad to use as a starter pistol for track meets. That gun had been taken away from some criminal. Dad had forgotten about it but Mom found it in the back of a closet when they were moving out of Dwight Way home. At this point Dad had already been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Mom hid it just in case she would need it. Mom spent part of her childhood on a ranch and knew how to handle a gun.
I asked why she thought she needed it. She thought if a bad guy saw two women alone on the highway going home from the airport and tried to way lay us, she would pull out her gun. I was appalled and gave her my opinion that if that very unlikely scenario happened, a pulled gun would guarantee a bad end for us. I had not seen her so helpless before. What had happened to that strong woman who could take on all challenges?
A good family friend, who had been my teacher and worked with Dad, called Mom up and offered her a job a year after Dad had died. It was dream job for Mom. She would be in charge of ordering library books for all of the elementary school libraries and supervising the library clerks. Tom McKenzie had saved her. She now had a reason to dress up and get out of the house. She had to learn the computer and stay caught up with the latest books.
Now that Melva was out and about, she got reacquainted with a Rotary friend and the real estate agent that had sold the big home on Dwight Way, Warren Holly. Now I have two problems with this story of Mom. I want this to be Mom’s story and not Warren’s. Also I am trying to be fair and not paint Warren any worse than he really was.
The initial courtship was humorous and sweet when I could get past the fact that this was my mother being a giggly school-girl thinking she was falling in love again. Mom would now go to social gatherings with a man at her side. She didn’t feel so alone. After several months of courtship the couple announced their engagement. Mom agreed that when she died her ring would go to one of Warren’s daughter’s instead of Jane or me. That was not a problem for either us but I thought it was strange it even came up. This was a new experience for all of us blending two families.
In 1989 with just the immediate family in attendance, Melva married Warren Holly in Morris Chapel at University of the Pacific. Gary Putnam officiated as he had for Floyd’s funeral and Jane’s second marriage. There was reception that followed and they were on to live the next part of their remaining years together. Warren had known Melva and Floyd through Rotary and told Melva up front that he would never fill Floyd’s shoes. I have to give Warren points for some perception.
Mom seemed a bit more like her old self for about a year before she started complaining about Warren. It seems they both came into the marriage with expectations that didn’t happen. Her complaints were the most during tax time. Several years later I realized why. I would suggest to my family of two sons and husband that I would like to invite Mom for dinner. I would receive an immediate reaction of “We can’t stand having Warren here. Please, no!” Certain friends of Mom told me years later that they started not inviting her over for the same reason, Warren.
Warren wanted Melva to host parties like she had when she was married to Floyd. Melva was now not inspired and would not accommodate him. Warren started spending a lot of time golfing and meeting with his men friends. He conveniently came home for meals. Warren and Melva took a yearly trip and finding a location they could agree on became more and more of a problem. Mom would let out these little tidbits every now and then.
The family would gather together at Thanksgiving and Warren dampened our chatter as we felt we couldn’t recall fun memories as they involved our father. The contrast was felt when one year Warren went with his family. The first difference was Mom’s attitude. She relaxed and we could enjoy our time together. One Christmas my family and Jane’s were gathered at Mom’s for Christmas Eve. We had gotten him a present but he had not bothered to return the favor. One year he did give me a golfing Santa. That was the lone gift given to any of us. Warren was examining his new golf balls and was oblivious to the fact it was his turn to open a present. He was holding up the show. John said, “Warren, quit playing with your balls and open another present. It is your turn.” The room erupted in laughter. Warren was stone faced and not amused. The damper was back on.
Mom had the challenge of getting involved in various activities outside of the house. She became the homeowners’ secretary at Floyd’s urging before he died and took her job very seriously. She took such detailed notes that a homeowner could not attend the monthly meetings but know just what went on. She ran off her typed notes and personally delivered them to each condo. Her thorough note taking finally made the association manager nervous and he asked her not to do such a detailed job. She complied by quitting. This started a gradual pattern.
She became part of complex’s bridge group. The group started off with three tables and slowly it dwindled down to one. Her excuse for quitting this time was that the ladies wouldn’t talk baseball and were boring. She volunteered as an election monitor. Neighborhood elections were held in the clubhouse and she spent the entire day several years in a row. Eventually the election site was moved to another location and she no longer volunteered.
I encouraged her to join a book group. She had been invited to several. She lasted awhile with one and then quit because she decided she didn’t like the books they were choosing. She went to the public library instead and checked out the maximum amount of books and read each one. After two weeks she would return them and start the process all over again. I accused her of being a “bookaholic.” It was a pleasant way for her to escape into her own little world. I decided this was her way to cope with her new way of life.
She had never been one to exercise. Dad had tried various things over the years but she always resisted. Finally some other ladies asked her to walk the complex with them. That worked for a bit until she decided one of the ladies talked too much. The other one dropped out due to health issues. I tried coming over to walk with her around the complex. I told her I would visit and chat with her only if we were walking. That was our routine for maybe a month before she just refused. As I picked her up for either a lunch date or shopping, I realized that Warren was never there unless it was mealtime. Mom mentioned to me one time that Warren only came home for meals. She was beginning to feel like a glorified housekeeper.
After only a year or two of marriage, Mom and Warren had some disagreement. She never told me what the problem was except to tell me that Warren moved out. He moved back in with his ex-wife. He lasted one night. His ex-wife told him he could move in but there would be some rules he would have to obey. He got the second bedroom but could put nothing on the walls. She was not going to cook for him or do any of his laundry. Warren decided he had a better deal with Mom and, with her permission, moved back in a day later. Both Jane and I were very confused and surprised Mom would take him back. In my opinion, Warren now had the upper hand.
Choosing vacations became more and more difficult as they couldn’t agree on where they both wanted to go. Warren preferred big cities with all of the activities a big city can offer. Mom was more interested in places with beautiful scenery. On one trip to New York City they were part of a tour. One of the side trips being offered was a tour of Yankee Stadium. Mom so wanted to go but Warren did not want to. So Mom decided to stay at the hotel instead of being a single on that side tour. She even received an invite from another couple to join them. Mom was confusing me. She missed out because of a perceived notion of what it looked like being by herself and not on the arm of a male.
University of the Pacific was holding a special reunion for all of the classmates of Dave Brubeck. Mom was invited to get a reduced rate and sit at a table with Dave Brubeck and fellow classmates. Warren did not want to attend. She hesitated and I tried so hard to convince her to attend. She didn’t. She even admitted later that she wished she had.
Her first cousin from Anaheim was celebrating her 90th birthday. She invited Mom to attend and visit with long lost Boone relatives that would love to see her. Her cousin even called her with a special plea. Again Mom hesitated and ended up not going. She again admitted she should have gone.
I was busy with my life but I had to acknowledge that something was different about Mom. Warren took the opportunity to talk to both Jane and me about Mom’s depression. He said she was no longer ironing his clothes. This I did not feel involved depression. Jane offered to teach him but Warren wanted Mom to be taken to the doctor for pills to make her more cheerful. Mom was now spending a lot of time napping.
Slowly I became more and more aware that my mother was slipping into dementia when she was forgetting too many things. She would forget to take her various prescriptions. She admitted she had become a terrible cook. She said she was embarrassed by what she put on the table but Warren never complained.
Her driver’s license was coming up for renewal on her next birthday. She became very nervous about taking the driving test. She finally gave me her keys as I promised her I would be her driver. I suspect she gave up her keys because she became lost a few times when she was out driving.
I took Mom to various homes for elder care and she definitely wanted O’Connor Woods. She had a talent for choosing “moderately expensive” items whether it was hotel accommodation, restaurants, or elder homes. O’Connor Woods fit the criteria. Mom put down the no refund deposit and she was put on the waiting list. What sold her was the knowledge that she would no longer have to cook all of her meals.
About this time, I was made executor of Mom’s financial and medical needs. It was then I received Mom’s checkbook and we opened an account in just our two names. I went through Mom’s finances and was shocked when I was able to figure out that Mom had been supporting Warren all of these years with little money coming from him. I felt she was paying a high price to be a married woman. On one occasion, while I was driving her to a hair appointment, she remarked, “I should divorce him shouldn’t I?” I told her that would make my life so much easier but she wasn’t going to follow through with it so let us not waste our time talking about it. She was aware of her situation but unable to make herself do much about it.
Fortunately for all of us Mom became a very sweet dementia patient. She had slowly been repressed into this other person who escaped at every chance. I got used to saying, “Don’t worry Mom. It is not your fault and I will take care of it.” On several occasions she remarked that it was obvious that we had switched roles as mother and daughter. Again she had not lost her insight.
O’Connor Woods staff finally realized after five months that Mom needed to be in assisted living instead of independent. I so agreed and set up the process for the next move. To make the move less traumatic, I flew Mom to Phoenix to stay with Jane for a few days. This gave me time to complete the move without her being in the middle of confusion and chaos.
Mom was then flown back and settled into her new apartment at Oak Creek Assisted Living. She seemed to relax because she realized she was among like souls. She didn’t have to fake it any more. Warren complained bitterly and insisted he didn’t belong there. I ignored him. I continued to take Mom to her hair appointments and out to lunch when she was up to it. She was slowly retreating into her own world and there was little I could do to slow it down. Lunch soon became too much for her and I had to settle for just visits.
I had moved all of her books to the new apartment even though it really crowded the room. Warren had insisted on keeping his drafting table so I figured Mom should have her books. The sad irony is that Warren had the shakes so bad that he could not draw anything. Mom’s memory was fading so rapidly that she couldn’t enjoy reading her books. Her books were her friends and she did not want to be without them. I started taking over magazines so she could look at the pictures.
I was planning a trip to New York City to watch Brad’s showcase after he had graduated from the National Theatre Company in Denver. I took Mom to her doctor for a checkup on a Wednesday of that week and she received a clean bill of health. I flew to New York City on Friday. Friday night at midnight, I received a phone call from the emergency room doctor asking permission to operate on Mom. A tumor in her spine had punched through and she was paralyzed and unable to walk. Mom had been so proud that she did not use a cane. I gave my permission and informed my siblings of the new developments. Mom would now have five weeks before the cancer would claim her before the dementia could.
She died with my sister Jane holding one hand and me the other. We told her to go to Dad and that we loved her. She had had twenty solid hours of death rattle breathing. By some miracle of foresight I had put together pictures and songs of her era. My nephew Jesse, her youngest grandson, had spent the previous weekend putting it all together in a very impressive video of her life. When Jane and I came home after her death and cleaning out her room, I played it. It was a good salve to erase her last gasping breath from our minds.
All three of us siblings gathered at my house and planned her obituary, announcement to friends and family, and her service. Everyone pitched in and helped do the various chores that are necessary after someone dies. I was pleased with her service and I think Mom would have approved. She did not want a service but I reminded her the service was not for her but for us. Fortunately she relented and let us celebrate her life. She left quite a legacy and was certainly the mother to us that she never had.
She started out so determined and independent. She married the man of her dreams and raised a big successful family. Then she gradually gave up and let herself be repressed and, in a sense, imprisoned until she was consumed by dementia and eventually cancer. I have to try to remember her vibrant times.
8,759 words D. Shreve 7/17/17
Swagerty-Aldrich Family Web Site 