My Stepfather

by Donna Swagerty Shreve

My Stepfather

We were in a double room at the nursing home called Meadow Woods at O’Connor Woods. My mother was in her last hours of life. Her death rattle had begun early in the morning and she was still at it in the early afternoon. Out of courtesy I had phoned Warren so he could say his good-byes. Because I had tried his residence at Assisted Living called Oak Creek , the head nurse and manager now knew about Mom’s condition and were standing at the foot of her bed. They were there to support me, which I found quite endearing. Warren came in and stood on the other side of the bed from where I was standing.

“Well I guess this is the last time I will see her alive! Have you made funeral arrangements yet?” Warren yelled because he was hard of hearing and tended to yell instead of speak. I glanced at the two ladies at the foot of the bed to observe their reactions. They were obviously appalled and shocked. I just had to make sure I wasn’t in some alternate universe.

I was also of the belief that the sense of hearing is the last to go in the dying. I stayed calm and replied I had not made any arrangements. Warren visited even less than his usual twelve minutes. I used to time him out of perverse curiosity as to how long he could endure. Fortunately he spared us any more of his comments and left.

Seventeen years previously Mom and Warren had gotten married at the tender age of seventy. Mom had been widowed four years and Warren was now divorced from his wife of many years. Warren had met Mom and Dad through Rotary. Warren had also sold Mom and Dad’s home on Dwight Way.  When they started discussing marriage, Warren told Mom up front that he would never be able to fill Floyd’s shoes. I have to give Warren some points for some perception.

The three of us children of Melva were a bit indifferent to Mom’s choice. It was her decision and we could only hope it made her happy. Being a widow of a Navy officer, Mom received free medications until she remarried. All of us suggested Mom not get remarried but just live with him. She was not comfortable with that as she was concerned about “What would people think.” We were trying to help her.

Mom seemed a bit more like her old self for about a year before she started complaining about Warren. It seems they both came into the marriage with expectations that were never realized. Her complaints were the most during tax time. Several years later I realized why. Warren had put most of his money into a CD and lived only on Social Security benefits. Therefore he had Mom pay most of the expenses and lived off of her retirement for seventeen years. I did not ask her many questions as she was on a new journey without me. The two families tried on several occasions to get together. We got along well enough but there was always a strain and slowly we did not bother to try any more. 

Warren’s four children had their family traditions and that usually included their mother.  The divorce had not been pleasant and Warren was not included if his former wife was there. Therefore we ended up with Warren at our family gatherings. Our huge family revolved around Dad’s relatives.  Dad’s brothers were polite but Warren did not fit in nor did he make any attempt to try.

One Thanksgiving stands out in particular. Warren and Mom were now in assisted living at Oak Creek. John and I were taking Mom with us to Rossmoor, an exclusive retirement community, in Walnut Creek for a Swagerty group that would include at least 40 people.  At this point Warren’s first wife had died and there was no excuse for his family not to take him.  Because there had been incidents previous to this Thanksgiving and I was now aware of his financial condition, I did not want to have him in our car for the day.  However, it seems Warren’s family was counting on me to take care of him as they all had an excuse as to why they could not.

I got a phone call from Warren’s grandson. He asked me to please take his grandfather with us to our Thanksgiving. I asked him why Warren could not go with any of Warren’s children. The first excuse was one son was going out of town. I do believe where we were going was out of town!  The grandson and daughter could not take him as it would be too inconvenient to pick him up and take him to Carmel then return him as the daughter was having some procedure in a few days.  The second daughter outright refused and the second son was not available to anyone including the police. I said I would consider it. My theory is that Warren did not want the stigma of being left behind at the home while others got to leave.

As we were driving to Walnut Creek, I received a follow-up call on my cell phone from Warren’s grandson. He asked if his grandfather was in the car with us. I replied that “Yes he was” through gritted teeth. He then told me I was a good person. I then responded with, “Yes, I am!” 

My uncle took me aside at Thanksgiving and asked why I had brought Warren. I responded with the grandson’s request. They told me I was a good person. Then why did I feel so angry? 

As Mother’s health continued to fail, Warren became less helpful if that was possible. Just reminding her to take her medications he considered, “Too hard.” When Mom died I received phone call from Warren’s son. Warren wanted a copy of Mom’s will. Warren now had his son communicate with me as I had finally blown up at him and expressed my displeasure at various incidents where Warren had been inconsiderate to Mom and had made my life much more complicated. 

Mom had been horrified at what Warren recommended his children do for his ex-wife’s funeral arrangements. She immediately went to her lawyer to adjust her will so Warren would not receive one penny of any money she had from our father. I believe Warren received a little over one thousand dollars from her social security benefits.

I no longer kept in touch with Warren as I felt I had done my duty for Mother. Warren’s family now had to step up and take care of him. He lived for a few years and I did get updates whenever I ran into a daughter –in-law who now had a lot of the burden of his demands. She knew I would understand and be sympathetic .

It has been a decade since his death and I have let go of much of my rage and stress. My mother  made a poor decision and paid for it for the last seventeen years of her life.

1195 words

3/12/19

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