by Donna Shreve
2010
Big decisions were being forced from me at the end of 2005 and going into 2006.. These few months were packed with moments that changed the direction of my life.
The first event was the realization that my mother could no longer take care of herself. The signs had been gradual but they couldn’t be ignored any more. The under dosing and over dosing of her medication drove me to look into assisted living possibilities.
Such a move is never easy and I had a stubborn, reluctant stepfather to deal with. I never could say stepfather without wincing. He was still in denial about Mom’s condition. Now I was faced with finding the proper place and crowbarring the husband out of the condo where Mom had lived for 22 years and he for for 17 years.
Meanwhile I checked with our accountant and realized the only way to avoid paying capital gains was to sell our family home of 27 years and move into the condo. The worn-out condo had to be cleared out and renovated. Now I needed an honest contractor to redo the condo before we could move in. Decisions, decisions.
After a teaching career of 37 years, I now knew it was time to retire and move full time into smoothing over all of the family’s new developments. I gave my notice to stop teaching at the end of December 2005. The school district put pressure on me to find my replacement for a smooth transition. I began that search.
The family home of 27 years had to be ready to sell and the market was beginning to turn. Speed of sale was even more important as we needed the profit from the sale of the house to pay for the renovation of the condo.
Mom realized she needed to stop driving as her renewal was coming up in October and she gave me the gift of her car keys. I now had to be her driver as her husband had no business driving a car and I didn’t want Mom endangered.
Thanksgiving approached and we made our plans. The usual fifty plus relatives were gathering and Mom and I were in charge of pies. I went to her condo to bake and had the shocking realization that she was no longer capable of her most treasured talent. She was on a waiting list to get into assisted living and we were given a move in date of December 17th. It was not a moment too soon.
Now I had to help her downsize her belongings. Making decisions can become overwhelming with a dementia patient. Yes, I was still working full time. My sister came from out of town to help with the process. During her busy two day whirlwind visit at the beginning of November, she blew up at Mom’s husband and aggravated that erupting situation. He was still in denial and wanted to stay in the condo and kept pressuring my mother into backing out of the move.
I drove my sister to the Sacramento airport and sent her on her way. She had been a big help but had also added to the building turmoil. My husband had decided, that Friday of her visit, to buy a new car. As there were too many other fires to put out, I followed my sister’s advice and shut up and said thank you.
I decided, after returning from my drive to the airport, to make my weekly phone call to my younger son in Denver while I waited for my husband to come home from a motorcycle therapy ride. We were soon to visit the car dealer and sign the papers for the new car.
I told my son I needed a diversion and I rattled through my litany of woes. There was a pause and he asked me if I would like to meet his boyfriend after Thanksgiving. This is my son who had been living with his serious girl friend for five years and recently had broken up. I was stunned as I had been clueless. I wanted to be in the moment for my son and quickly gathered myself to be a good supportive mother.
I first told him I wasn’t ever going to ask him for a diversion again. As we continued our conversation, my husband walked into the house. I made an instant decision to stay in my conversation with our son and let the chips fall as I knew my husband would be in worse shock than I was.
My husband immediately asked, as I got off the phone, “Who was that?” and “What were you discussing?” I told him and we then went to the car dealership like slow moving zombies.
Somehow my son’s announcement put everything else, going on in my life, in perspective. I was able to carry a lighter load because I could separate important problems from minor ones. People have asked me if turning 60 was traumatic and I can honestly reply that I barely noticed the milestone.
Swagerty-Aldrich Family Web Site 