by Donna Swagerty Shreve
My introduction to the Swagerty brothers was at the family gathering every Thanksgiving at Grandpa and Grandma’s dairy farm in Escalon, California. While all the other cousins got to play after dinner, I had to stay inside and act like a lady. I remember as a ten year old in 1955, I wanted to change my dress up clothes to play clothes and escape outside with everyone else.
I became the little fly on the wall and heard many stories plus I witnessed some amazing adult behavior. My first experience was watching my father, his brothers, and brother-in-law have bizarre contests. The first few years were spent measuring each other’s bald spots. That soon got too boring as the same guy won and the same guy lost. One year one of the smaller brothers decided this year’s contest would be who had the biggest rear end.
Uncle Darrell wasn’t enthusiastic about this contest and dared to resist. Soon ,on the floor with three brothers holding him down, Darrell had his rear measured. As a kid I couldn’t believe that I was witnessing grown men in their suits and ties wrestling on the floor. The noise level made me check to see if the walls or ceiling were moving.
Another incident I witnessed was when my older cousin Tom showed up at Thanksgiving with long hair. One of the uncles commented rather loudly that it seemed Tom needed a haircut. Tom instantly left out the front door and did not reappear until it was time to leave. His father honked a signal and Tom rushed to the departing car. Unbeknownst to Tom, his mother Elsie had come out from the kitchen after Thanksgiving and scolded, quite soundly, all of her brothers. Her main argument was that they had done enough to her family and it was time to stop. Amazed, I witnessed this lecture and how quickly the brothers backed down. Elsie had had enough!
Tom told me later he had hidden in various spots throughout the farm waiting in fear for when his uncles would find him and give him an unwanted haircut. Confused how could my funny loveable uncles be such bullies, Tom then enlightened me.
The first “haircut” was given to the youngest Swagerty brother, Jack. The three oldest brothers had gone off to college, leaving Jack behind in high school and living on the Milpitas ranch. The returning brothers arrived for Thanksgiving to see their youngest brother with a full beard and long hair. The brothers took a struggling Jack behind the barn and used sheep shears to mangle his beard and hair enough that Jack was forced to finish the job. Their censorship was done.
The next victim Uncle Harry was courting the oldest Swagerty, Elsie. Elsie asked on several occasions if Harry was really courting her or just coming out to hang with her brothers. Harry then proposed and a wedding date was set. The Swagerty brothers wanted to host a bachelor party for Harry. I don’t know the details of that party but I do know the results. Harry was held down by some and shaved by the others. Elsie got to spend her honeymoon with a husband with a newly shaved crotch!
Cousin Dick was the oldest cousin, son of Harry and Elsie, and older brother of Tom. He showed up one Thanksgiving while in high school, with his girl friend in tow. Introduction of any potential new family member was a brave gesture or foolish errand. Carol walked in arm in arm with Dick with his new long hair. Carol got to witness the censorship of Dick’s uncles when he returned, after being taken behind the barn, with now short hair.
I now understood why Tom had hidden the entire day. The uncles were quite a force for a while but age caught up to them. Also the times were a changing. By the time my brother arrived a decade later with his beard and long hair, he was given a free pass.
Another Swagerty infamous story was what the brothers did during Halloween. Neighborhood outhouses were fair game to be tipped over. One year a neighbor kid got captured by the brothers and was tied to a tree. Fortunately he survived. However, it was not told how long he had to endure that prank.
As the years went by various other incidents were told and it is amazing the Swagerty boys survived their pranks and made it to adulthood. As a fly on the wall, I was always entertained after dinner by the endless stories told.
Swagerty-Aldrich Family Web Site 